BE YOURSELF



The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
Europe Area Office
Frankfurt am Main
Germany
December 22, 2014
A friend and former colleague (Jennifer - you know who you are)

I got to the office.  I was sick,  I was exhausted.  I had no idea what I would be doing for the next 22 months.  I was frightened (yes, really).  I was handed an envelope addressed to ME!  Was this a mistake?

No.  Jennifer had sent a card to the address I had given her - it went to Salt Lake City, then into the Frankfurt Germany mailbag, and then to my office - and the timing could not have been more perfect. 

How true the words are - and particularly meaningful to me as I was in a new country with all new people with whom I have no history - more than ever it was important for me to be myself . . .

I share this today as I think about the work I am doing here in Germany.  Many young members of my church (typically aged 18 - 22) are serving as proselyting missionaries throughout the world.  The missions I advise are in the United Kingdom and Scandinavia.  I do my work over the phone or via Skype.  Young people are referred to me by their mission presidents (I work with nine mission presidents) because they are having a difficult time for some reason.  Some of the most common issues are adjustment issues including homesickness, dealing with stress of a new completely different lifestyle, sometimes a new language, different food, different cultural norms, etc. etc.  It's tough (I know - I'm sort of doing it too and I'm much, much older than they are).  And of course there are some with more challenging issues:  perfectionism, depression, anxiety.

Anyhow, I often talk with the missionary for 45 minutes or so and then send them a follow-up e-mail.  The first e-mail I send almost always includes this picture (thanks again Jennifer) and the following video clip (many of you may have seen the video since I used it for girls' camp last year).

and I say to each "I know that you are a child of God.  He knows you - your good qualities AND your bad qualities.  And He loves you.  He wants you to be yourself.   He doesn't want you to try and be something that you are not.  But He wants you to develop and grow and become the best person that YOU can be.  That is different for every person.  Aren't you glad God created you and knows you?  so that you don't have to try and be someone else?" 

As I send this message, I try to let it reach inside of me and remind me that it doesn't matter where a person is 20 or 64 the message is still the same.

So Jennifer, thanks for the card and the important message.  The words have become a daily reminder that I can be myself and that is good enough! 

A Single Yellow Rose

 Two of the missionaries here in Frankfurt are digitizing journals and family history records from various areas in Western Europe.  As they are nearing the end of their missions, they were asked to speak at a conference on Wednesday.  They shared a story about a single yellow rose---

The story was told by a 95 year old woman from Sheffield, England.  She said that over 30 years earlier her husband died.  As a part of her grief, she began to volunteer at Hospice.  For several months she made regular visits to a couple who were preparing for the death of the wife.  During the time they became good friends.  One day she received a call from the husband asking her to come because his wife was nearing death.  As she was getting in the car, she felt prompted to pick a rose from her garden and take it to them.  She was in a hurry so ignored the feelings.  However, as she drove out of her neighborhood she felt the prompting again.  So she turned around, went into her house to get scissors, and went to the yard to choose a rose.  As she was looking for the rose she again had a prompting that the rose should be a yellow rose.  She dismissed the idea because she didn't remember having planted yellow roses.  As she walked to the garden, she was surprised to see a perfect yellow rose on the first bush.  She immediately picked the rose, got into her car, and drove to visit the couple.  When she got out of the car, the husband saw her and rushed out to meet her with tears in her eyes.  "How did you know?"  he asked her.  She was confused and questioned him.  He replied, "It is our 70th anniversary today.  I have given her a single yellow rose on our anniversary every year.  This is our last anniversary together I wasn't going to be able to get her rose." 

In 1967 I received my first corsage from a boy - my future husband Roger.  As the picture shows it was yellow roses.  The next year he came home for my senior dance and gave me another corsage - yellow roses.  After our marriage, any time Roger got me flowers they were yellow roses.
Even after he was ill and could no longer drive, once in awhile he would call the florist and have a yellow rose corsage delivered to me at work.  I love yellow roses!  Always have - always will...


My blog post about single yellow roses would not be complete without another Hospice story - a story that also featured a beloved wife who was a Hospice patient and her husband... a patient as well.  It was made possible by their son who I was seeing for anticipatory grief counseling.  I'm calling him Joe (not his real name).  He first came to see me when his father was hospitalized and admitted to Hospice.  His mother had been a home Hospice patient for several months.  We had only had two sessions when his mother died.  His father was in the hospital, unable to be transported other than on a stretcher.  Joe came into the office for a counseling session and was upset because his father was apparently inconsolable that he could not see his wife before she was buried. 

We got on the phone:
*  The funeral home - yes, if we could get his father there they would have his mother ready in her casket for viewing. 
*  The hospital - yes, if we could get an ambulance ordered they would have his father ready to go visit his wife.
*  The ambulance - yes, they would pick him up at the hospital, help him into the funeral home, wait until his visit was over, and take him back to the hospital.

Joe and I were waiting at the funeral home when he arrived.  When they brought him into the viewing room on his stretcher he was holding a single rose in his hand.  The stretcher was lowered so that he could kiss his wife on her cheek, and put the rose in her hands.  After gazing at her for a few minutes, he looked up and said "Isn't she the most beautiful woman you have ever seen?"  

He died two days later.



Awkward Moments . . . Good for a laugh?

I am in Germany now beginning my mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  It has been interesting, culturally shocking, overwhelming . . . and filled with awkward moments which cause me to wonder if they have a "senior missionary social skills group" available.  Possibly the Missionary Training Center was just that but I'm not certain I learned what I needed to learn to prepare me for this!  Last week I was glued to Facebook in an attempt to find some normalcy in this very new situation I am facing.  I saw the picture to the right posted on someone's page (can't remember who - sorry) and thought, okay, done!  Now what?

Oh, yeah, now I get to meet lots and lots of new people.  Some show up at my door with smiles and cookies... some with invitations to join them for social events... some with chicken soup because I am so sick... and as the week progressed some with pity on their faces suggesting that I really ought to comb my hair, smile, leave the apartment (you know, those socially appropriate things) -
So when I answered the door on Saturday evening I imagined it would be another of the "social" visits that make me cringe just a little when I feel this out of sync. Not so!

 Imagine my surprise: 

A very attractive couple was standing at the door with large suitcases beside them.  I immediately knew these were the H's (I know this because I have looked at their huge family picture all week).  I had been moved into their apartment last Saturday when I arrived.  I had been sleeping in their bed, using their pots and pans and sinks and shower, even sneaking one of their miniature Snickers bars in a moment of weakness.  I had unplugged their technology in an unsuccessful attempt to get my own to connect to their wi fi.  I was no longer living out of my suitcases because everything I had brought to Germany was strewn throughout their apartment (immaculate upon my arrival).  My first words:  You must be Elder & Sister H - are you back?  Will you be staying here?  Ugh! 

However, I think my face said:  Oh my gosh Elder & Sister H are back - are they staying here?  Will I be sleeping on the couch?  The apartment is a mess.  Why is this happening to me?  They are just as beautiful as their pictures - really?  How old are these people - 30?  Senior Missionaries - really????  I truly wanted to start screaming - or crying - or yelling - or something equally WRONG!  And then I remembered Carolyn Wells and her motto to "Keep Smiling" and I found this cute picture (again on FB) ....

Carolyn, Lucille, Mavis

The couple at the door said they will be traveling and staying in hotels for the next week and that I will be staying in their apartment until mine becomes available around January 6th.  They then ASKED if they could come in and gather some of their things since they left Utah the day before (having been traveling for many, many hours) and needed to prepare for a busy week ahead of them.  So in between our apologies to each other, they packed and I chattered in my socially, awkward, ADHD way!  And they left...

...And I decided to laugh and not cry at another awkward situation in which I find myself as I remind myself:

Buddy - Julie - Smiling

I love Buddy the elf.  I love it that he said: "smiling is my favorite."  Smiling is my favorite, too!   Sometimes when I am feeling a little sad I smile - and I do feel better - sometimes a little better and sometimes lots better.  I am practicing right now and I feel better!  And that's the truth. 

I love Julie.  She is the mama in this picture. Julie is a smiling hero to me!  I see her at church on Sundays - usually from a distance - if she is not at home caring for her family or in the hospital for herself or another. When I see her she is smiling.

We have talked about this "smiling thing" we have in common. We agree that although others may not understand or believe us, we say there is always something to smile about.  So we smile and like Buddy each of us might say "smiling is my favorite." 

Julie's family has had to deal with more in a year or so than most of us face in a life time. With her permission I'm sharing a few things she has shared. The following quote is from Zoe's fundly site:  "Last September, Justin was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease. February, Leukemia; March, daughter #3 was born; June, Julie was diagnosed with Eosinophilic Esophagitis (an immune disorder).  The birth of the baby definitely brought new hope and happiness, and we are so thankful our second daughter is not medically burdened." 

https://www.facebook.com/lovework.juliejames

http://youtu.be/324PCOb9Mo0

https://fundly.com/zoe-blossom-fund

CLUTTER CONTROL

August 24, 2014 at 12:11am

Justin and I went through financial difficulty for a couple of years due to job insecurity/unemployment/poor health etc, and during this time, when people would pass us handmedowns, I'd hold onto them so we'd have everything we needed no matter how long our hardship would last. I didn't say no to anyone offering us anything.  Side note: I wouldn't wish unemployment on my worst enemy. Unemployment trumps cancer in the amount of fear in my every day life. Unemployment is pure hell. I mean Hell.

We are not facing the same financial challenges that we were facing then. We are secure enough now to buy a shirt if one of us needs a shirt. We can eat more than beans and rice. YET, I am still in survivalist mode. I have a hard time letting go of stuff. We have two closets, and both of those closets were filled to the brim with little girl clothes just in case. I kept books none of us read just in case we didn't have anything else in the world to do than read books we didn't even like. I kept toys that the girls didn't even play with just because I thought maybe they'd take interest if they had nothing else to do. I kept containers in case I needed a box to keep more stuff in. I kept movies even if I didn't approve. I kept food that I knew we wouldn't eat, even if we had to eat it. I kept pictures, frames, insulation, memories, empty photo albums, mismatched socks, scraps of fabric. I could keep going kinda like Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout who would not take the garbage out...

Two things have changed me completely.

1. Well, a month ago I had a breakthrough. This entire time, I was still accepting little girl clothes from my loved ones with the fear I won't be able to afford clothes for the girls. (A unfounded fear at this point) We had girl clothes in the closets, under beds, in the laundry room, lining our bedroom, and taking over my brain. A month ago, I decided that I was going to purchase some see through containers, and I would put two sizes in each container, and I was not allowed to keep anything else. If it didn't fit, it wasn't staying. With the size of bins that I chose, I thought I'd be able to fit everything I had. Boy was I fooled!! I have taken over 15 diaper boxes of little girl clothes out of this house from size 0 to size 6t. I have four bins, 6 outfits per size, neatly at the top of the girls dresser. I didn't NEED any of those clothes! Most of the clothes were NOT likely to actually be worn! And I certainly did NOT have storage space. And now I have like 5 times the storage space for OTHER STUFF that we ACTUALLY NEED like food storage! Water storage! survival gear! Who knows what I can put there, but the empty spaces are there!!

I was breaking my rules! And out it all went. And I feel SO FREE. Zoe has a bed that has 6 shelves underneath it, and I am even thinking of ridding us of this bed because what's the use of empty shelves? I could be using that space for food storage!

2. Toys...

If I take the girls toys to charity, I tell them about it. I don't sneak and do it because then they can't learn charity. I have so thoroughly taught them to get rid of what they don't use that they do it themselves now unprompted. Last year, we had too many toys and no storage for them, and toys covered over by clothes covered by toys, and it hit me that it was time. Half a year ago, I started with the toys. I asked them about their toys, and I asked them how they felt about them. I asked them what they thought about helping out kids who don't have toys. The first toy they were ready to part with was their riding horse, which scared the crap out of them at night. In this past half year, we have gotten rid of all of their toys. We don't need them, they never get used- the girls would rather play with a stick family who lives in mud, and we certainly had no storage since everything was covered over in clothes! They have learned so thoroughly to get rid of what they don't use that they will randomly get a bag, fill it up, and hand it to me saying, "We're done with these toys now" completely unprompted.

These two things were total road blocks for me. I felt incapable of getting anything else done because all I could think about was girl clothes and toys. I feel like the flood gates are open, and in the past week since returning home from the hospital, I have taken 10 more boxes of items to goodwill. I believe that before winter, I will not have a single item in my home that is not needed, does not have storage space, or won't be used within the next 6 months. This cleaning that I've been doing has even opened up my creativity again. I've been in a complete and total block since Zoe's cancer diagnosis, and I feel capable of loving what I do again. I have a long way to go yet. My table and my kitchen counters look like a grenade exploded, but the girls are happier having less things, I am happier, Justin will be when he can see the table lol, and I am energized to work.

These three assessment questions:

Do you need it

Do you have space for it

Do you really think you're gonna use it

All done - with a smile because "I just like to smile, smiling's my favorite."

#HAM2014 #hydrocephalusawareness #hydrocephalus

Post surgery 1:  3 weeks old
Post surgery 2:  14 months old
Post surgery 4:  10 years old
Grandma watching Haley loving life
Haley power 2014

Haley Matisse was born on September 27, 2002.  Prior to her birth she had been given the diagnosis of Dandy Walker Syndrome which meant she had hydrocephalus. Jason and Kelsee waited impatiently for this miracle child to come into their lives never doubting that she was a gift from a loving Heavenly Father.  As one of the grandparents of this baby, I knew that she was coming to a home where she would be loved and taught to walk in the light of His love. I don't think I understood what a Leap of Faith it would be for these three remarkable people!  

September is Hydrocephalus Awareness Month.  

Hydrocephalus (hi'dro-sef'a-lus) is an abnormal accumulation of cerebrospinal fluid (CSF) within cavities of the brain called ventricles.

The 2014 Louisville Hydrocephalus Association WALK is on September 27th, Haley's 12th birthday. Check out her page, to learn more about hydrocephalus, and/or donate to the cause!

http://hawalk.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=1098271&supId=411227936

Jason and Kelsee in 1991 at his Eagle Scout court of honor.  They met at a youth conference a few years earlier.  Jason left for college, returned the next summer, prepared for a left for this mission. He returned from his mission in the summer of 1994.








Jason and Kelsee at the Washington D.C. Temple in December 1994 on their wedding day.









Jason, Kelsee, and Haley at the Seattle Temple in May 2004 sealing day.  (Yes, I was there, too!)  ETERNAL FAMILY!

"Someone Special"

Sunday, August 28, 1966

My 16th birthday!  The next day I wrote the following letter.  

August 29, 1966

Someone Special,

            I’m writing you at the age of sixteen and one day.  I am now considered old enough to date.  Who knows how soon I’ll get a date.  Possibly not until I go to college ---Rick’s, BYU, or wherever.  But that doesn’t worry me.  For I’m looking for someone very special.

            The church today is the most important part of my life.  And I hope you feel the same way.  You love the church as I love it.

            The man I go to the temple with (you, I hope) will have many things expected of him and it is my prayer that he will expect just as much of me.

            My husband must hold the Priesthood, advance in it, and honor it.  He must love me and tell me he loves me.  He must be willing to take me out at least once a month.

            We will attend all of the church meetings TOGETHER and share a love so great that it will radiate around us.  As I go to church, I see couples very much in love.  No matter how old they get they still show their love for one another in the small things which they do for each other.  This is the way we must be.  When we have children they will know of the love we have for the church, for each other, and for them.  We will make it a habit to tell them of this love.  We will do many things as a family but not so much that our children have no lives of their own.  We will mutually love our Heavenly Father and teach our children to love Him.  You will be able to bless and baptize our children and preside over family prayer and family home evening.  You will be the boss, but our marriage will always be a partnership.

            I’d like to say that you are this man.  I expect this much out of you and I’m sure I’ve found my “Someone Special.”  I hope that you expect this much out of me, too, I pray that you’ve found yours “Someone Special” in me.  May our life together always be a happy and loving one.

                                                                                    Love always,

                                                                                   Janice

September 4, 1966

I saw Roger for the first time when I bore my testimony.  I mean, he was blonde, handsome, and NEW!  Little did I know he was the "Someone Special" I wrote to only six days before.

September 6, 1966

I met him at our "opening social" at church.  It was a dinner and program.  He asked to take me home.  My first date....  stopped at a Root Beer stand on the way home.  When we stood on the front porch saying good-bye he called me Helen and asked if we could have a date that weekend.  I said yes and didn't tell him my real name.  I rushed in the house because my friend Lynne was already on the phone wanting to know what had happened.  

I laughed about him not knowing my name and then added "Lynne, do you remember what his name is?" 

Over the next six months we dated.  My father had rules:

1.  One date a weekend.  Home by 11 p.m.

2.  We could sit on the porch swing for a little while after we got home but when the porch light went off and then on again, the date was over.

3.  In cold weather, we could sit on the couch after everyone else went to their bedrooms.  However, when my dad got up to check the temperature on thermometer the date was over.

4.  Spending time together on Sundays at our house - not on a date, of course.  I think it had to end around 9 p.m. although I don't exactly remember.

At some point I shared my "Someone Special" letter with Roger.  He had not attended church for six months prior to that first Sunday in September when I saw him.  Without hesitation, he attended church, respected and honored his priesthood and me.

I think we began to fall in love.  He was 19 and I was 16... so young.  On one date we went to see the movie "Dr. Zhivago" at the Jefferson Theater in Fort Wayne.  What a movie!  He went home, learned the Lara's theme "Somewhere My Love" and called me so he could play it for me over the telephone.  It became "our song" even though I didn't approve of Lara and the Dr. and their relationship!   Our daughter Tanya was named after Dr. Zhivago's wife in the movie - I approved of her.

Roger joined the Marine Corps in February 1967.  

  

August 28, 1968

After riding the train from Fort Wayne, Indiana, to Grand Junction, Colorado I went with my Grandma Sally and her husband Uncle Jess to Salt Lake City.  Roger and I got our marriage license and celebrated my birthday.

Thursday, August 29, 1968

I married my "Someone Special" in the Salt Lake Temple at 9 a.m.  My young women's president and her husband, my seminary teacher and his wife, Roger's home teaching companion (while he was in high school) and his wife were there with us.  My Grandmother and step grandfather (who I didn't know very well) and Roger's mother (who I had only met three times) were at our wedding. 

We had no idea what a leap of faith was ahead of us when we left for Logan, Utah for our three day honeymoon and then on to Jacksonville, North Carolina to begin our married life together.  But we knew we were doing what was right for us and that our Heavenly Father was pleased and that was all that mattered.

Sunday, August 24, 2014 
In the process of preparing for my mission I am sorting and organizing, scanning pictures and documents, and remembering, remembering, remembering.  I have cried more tears this past week than I imagined possible. 

My leap of faith has brought me to a time in my life that I could not have envisioned 48 years ago when I first met Roger.  He died almost 19 years ago but when I recall the words to our song,  "Somewhere my love..." I clearly remember the first day I saw him, my "Someone Special" and I know that these experiences I am having mean as much to him as they do to me.

I am going to Germany.  Wow!  To serve a 23 month mission for my church.  I'm happy, right?  

In preparation I have started sorting through memories and spent some hours reading my journal entries. One in particular made me feel happy.

June 19, 1979

I'm at girls cam now and as usual it is a special experience.  We sang our theme song last night "Happiness Is..." and had each unit write their own part of the song.  The stake leaders wrote "happiness is wakint at dawn to the stake leaders' beautiful song".  This morning to prove it we wore bills and sang birdy songs.

1979 in Michigan: "going to girls' camp, meeting your leaders, seeing them smile"

My thoughts then went back to "Happy" which we listened to many times at girls' camp this year - and I felt happy especially when I watched a couple of videos with young women dancing to this song.

2014 in Kentucky:  "Clap along if you know what happiness is to you!"

The idea that "happiness is an inside job" is one that makes me happy!  So let me say again:  I'm going to Germany.  Wow!  To serve a 23 month mission for my church.  I'm happy, right!  But as I am exploring memories in preparation to leave, I am reminded that over a period of 42 years many things have happened:

July 2 - Jason's birthday - happy; July 29 - son was stillborn - sad; August 9 - Tanya's birthday - happy; August 28 - my birthday - sort of happy; August 29 - wedding anniversary (would be 46 years!) happy/sad; September 3 - Shauna was born and died - sad; Fast Sunday in September - met Roger, Tanya was blessed, Jason was blessed - happy; September 16 - Tanya died; November 3 - Roger's birthday - happy/sad; November 5 - Roger's death - sad . . . 

I could go on and on but as I am in the midst of this "season" of bittersweet memories I sometimes have to remind myself that I am Happy!  This doesn't mean that I don't cry or get frustrated, anxious, sad, discouraged, etc. etc. etc.  Over the years I have tried to avoid these difficult feelings; however, they are real and need to be acknowledged.  When hard things happen and I wonder why and what next and can I handle it, I take a minute, look inside, and realize that I am happy. 

As I complained about not knowing more about my mission and my seeming inability to find out NOW I realized that I had promised to go where I am called to go and do what I am called to do.  I felt happy - I don't have to know everything right now.  

When I head for the MTC and then Germany, I will have a smile and my smiles are rarely fake.  They are a true indication of how I feel about life:  I Am Happy.

Note:  if you'd like to feel happy for a few minutes here are a couple of videos that might help.