Awkward Moments . . . Good for a laugh?

I am in Germany now beginning my mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  It has been interesting, culturally shocking, overwhelming . . . and filled with awkward moments which cause me to wonder if they have a "senior missionary social skills group" available.  Possibly the Missionary Training Center was just that but I'm not certain I learned what I needed to learn to prepare me for this!  Last week I was glued to Facebook in an attempt to find some normalcy in this very new situation I am facing.  I saw the picture to the right posted on someone's page (can't remember who - sorry) and thought, okay, done!  Now what?

Oh, yeah, now I get to meet lots and lots of new people.  Some show up at my door with smiles and cookies... some with invitations to join them for social events... some with chicken soup because I am so sick... and as the week progressed some with pity on their faces suggesting that I really ought to comb my hair, smile, leave the apartment (you know, those socially appropriate things) -
So when I answered the door on Saturday evening I imagined it would be another of the "social" visits that make me cringe just a little when I feel this out of sync. Not so!

 Imagine my surprise: 

A very attractive couple was standing at the door with large suitcases beside them.  I immediately knew these were the H's (I know this because I have looked at their huge family picture all week).  I had been moved into their apartment last Saturday when I arrived.  I had been sleeping in their bed, using their pots and pans and sinks and shower, even sneaking one of their miniature Snickers bars in a moment of weakness.  I had unplugged their technology in an unsuccessful attempt to get my own to connect to their wi fi.  I was no longer living out of my suitcases because everything I had brought to Germany was strewn throughout their apartment (immaculate upon my arrival).  My first words:  You must be Elder & Sister H - are you back?  Will you be staying here?  Ugh! 

However, I think my face said:  Oh my gosh Elder & Sister H are back - are they staying here?  Will I be sleeping on the couch?  The apartment is a mess.  Why is this happening to me?  They are just as beautiful as their pictures - really?  How old are these people - 30?  Senior Missionaries - really????  I truly wanted to start screaming - or crying - or yelling - or something equally WRONG!  And then I remembered Carolyn Wells and her motto to "Keep Smiling" and I found this cute picture (again on FB) ....

Carolyn, Lucille, Mavis

The couple at the door said they will be traveling and staying in hotels for the next week and that I will be staying in their apartment until mine becomes available around January 6th.  They then ASKED if they could come in and gather some of their things since they left Utah the day before (having been traveling for many, many hours) and needed to prepare for a busy week ahead of them.  So in between our apologies to each other, they packed and I chattered in my socially, awkward, ADHD way!  And they left...

...And I decided to laugh and not cry at another awkward situation in which I find myself as I remind myself:

Buddy - Julie - Smiling

I love Buddy the elf.  I love it that he said: "smiling is my favorite."  Smiling is my favorite, too!   Sometimes when I am feeling a little sad I smile - and I do feel better - sometimes a little better and sometimes lots better.  I am practicing right now and I feel better!  And that's the truth. 

I love Julie.  She is the mama in this picture. Julie is a smiling hero to me!  I see her at church on Sundays - usually from a distance - if she is not at home caring for her family or in the hospital for herself or another. When I see her she is smiling.

We have talked about this "smiling thing" we have in common. We agree that although others may not understand or believe us, we say there is always something to smile about.  So we smile and like Buddy each of us might say "smiling is my favorite." 

Julie's family has had to deal with more in a year or so than most of us face in a life time. With her permission I'm sharing a few things she has shared. The following quote is from Zoe's fundly site:  "Last September, Justin was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease. February, Leukemia; March, daughter #3 was born; June, Julie was diagnosed with Eosinophilic Esophagitis (an immune disorder).  The birth of the baby definitely brought new hope and happiness, and we are so thankful our second daughter is not medically burdened." 

https://www.facebook.com/lovework.juliejames

http://youtu.be/324PCOb9Mo0

https://fundly.com/zoe-blossom-fund

CLUTTER CONTROL

August 24, 2014 at 12:11am

Justin and I went through financial difficulty for a couple of years due to job insecurity/unemployment/poor health etc, and during this time, when people would pass us handmedowns, I'd hold onto them so we'd have everything we needed no matter how long our hardship would last. I didn't say no to anyone offering us anything.  Side note: I wouldn't wish unemployment on my worst enemy. Unemployment trumps cancer in the amount of fear in my every day life. Unemployment is pure hell. I mean Hell.

We are not facing the same financial challenges that we were facing then. We are secure enough now to buy a shirt if one of us needs a shirt. We can eat more than beans and rice. YET, I am still in survivalist mode. I have a hard time letting go of stuff. We have two closets, and both of those closets were filled to the brim with little girl clothes just in case. I kept books none of us read just in case we didn't have anything else in the world to do than read books we didn't even like. I kept toys that the girls didn't even play with just because I thought maybe they'd take interest if they had nothing else to do. I kept containers in case I needed a box to keep more stuff in. I kept movies even if I didn't approve. I kept food that I knew we wouldn't eat, even if we had to eat it. I kept pictures, frames, insulation, memories, empty photo albums, mismatched socks, scraps of fabric. I could keep going kinda like Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout who would not take the garbage out...

Two things have changed me completely.

1. Well, a month ago I had a breakthrough. This entire time, I was still accepting little girl clothes from my loved ones with the fear I won't be able to afford clothes for the girls. (A unfounded fear at this point) We had girl clothes in the closets, under beds, in the laundry room, lining our bedroom, and taking over my brain. A month ago, I decided that I was going to purchase some see through containers, and I would put two sizes in each container, and I was not allowed to keep anything else. If it didn't fit, it wasn't staying. With the size of bins that I chose, I thought I'd be able to fit everything I had. Boy was I fooled!! I have taken over 15 diaper boxes of little girl clothes out of this house from size 0 to size 6t. I have four bins, 6 outfits per size, neatly at the top of the girls dresser. I didn't NEED any of those clothes! Most of the clothes were NOT likely to actually be worn! And I certainly did NOT have storage space. And now I have like 5 times the storage space for OTHER STUFF that we ACTUALLY NEED like food storage! Water storage! survival gear! Who knows what I can put there, but the empty spaces are there!!

I was breaking my rules! And out it all went. And I feel SO FREE. Zoe has a bed that has 6 shelves underneath it, and I am even thinking of ridding us of this bed because what's the use of empty shelves? I could be using that space for food storage!

2. Toys...

If I take the girls toys to charity, I tell them about it. I don't sneak and do it because then they can't learn charity. I have so thoroughly taught them to get rid of what they don't use that they do it themselves now unprompted. Last year, we had too many toys and no storage for them, and toys covered over by clothes covered by toys, and it hit me that it was time. Half a year ago, I started with the toys. I asked them about their toys, and I asked them how they felt about them. I asked them what they thought about helping out kids who don't have toys. The first toy they were ready to part with was their riding horse, which scared the crap out of them at night. In this past half year, we have gotten rid of all of their toys. We don't need them, they never get used- the girls would rather play with a stick family who lives in mud, and we certainly had no storage since everything was covered over in clothes! They have learned so thoroughly to get rid of what they don't use that they will randomly get a bag, fill it up, and hand it to me saying, "We're done with these toys now" completely unprompted.

These two things were total road blocks for me. I felt incapable of getting anything else done because all I could think about was girl clothes and toys. I feel like the flood gates are open, and in the past week since returning home from the hospital, I have taken 10 more boxes of items to goodwill. I believe that before winter, I will not have a single item in my home that is not needed, does not have storage space, or won't be used within the next 6 months. This cleaning that I've been doing has even opened up my creativity again. I've been in a complete and total block since Zoe's cancer diagnosis, and I feel capable of loving what I do again. I have a long way to go yet. My table and my kitchen counters look like a grenade exploded, but the girls are happier having less things, I am happier, Justin will be when he can see the table lol, and I am energized to work.

These three assessment questions:

Do you need it

Do you have space for it

Do you really think you're gonna use it

All done - with a smile because "I just like to smile, smiling's my favorite."

#HAM2014 #hydrocephalusawareness #hydrocephalus

Post surgery 1:  3 weeks old
Post surgery 2:  14 months old
Post surgery 4:  10 years old
Grandma watching Haley loving life
Haley power 2014

Haley Matisse was born on September 27, 2002.  Prior to her birth she had been given the diagnosis of Dandy Walker Syndrome which meant she had hydrocephalus. Jason and Kelsee waited impatiently for this miracle child to come into their lives never doubting that she was a gift from a loving Heavenly Father.  As one of the grandparents of this baby, I knew that she was coming to a home where she would be loved and taught to walk in the light of His love. I don't think I understood what a Leap of Faith it would be for these three remarkable people!  

September is Hydrocephalus Awareness Month.  

Hydrocephalus (hi'dro-sef'a-lus) is an abnormal accumulation of cerebrospinal fluid (CSF) within cavities of the brain called ventricles.

The 2014 Louisville Hydrocephalus Association WALK is on September 27th, Haley's 12th birthday. Check out her page, to learn more about hydrocephalus, and/or donate to the cause!

http://hawalk.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=1098271&supId=411227936

Jason and Kelsee in 1991 at his Eagle Scout court of honor.  They met at a youth conference a few years earlier.  Jason left for college, returned the next summer, prepared for a left for this mission. He returned from his mission in the summer of 1994.








Jason and Kelsee at the Washington D.C. Temple in December 1994 on their wedding day.









Jason, Kelsee, and Haley at the Seattle Temple in May 2004 sealing day.  (Yes, I was there, too!)  ETERNAL FAMILY!

"Someone Special"

Sunday, August 28, 1966

My 16th birthday!  The next day I wrote the following letter.  

August 29, 1966

Someone Special,

            I’m writing you at the age of sixteen and one day.  I am now considered old enough to date.  Who knows how soon I’ll get a date.  Possibly not until I go to college ---Rick’s, BYU, or wherever.  But that doesn’t worry me.  For I’m looking for someone very special.

            The church today is the most important part of my life.  And I hope you feel the same way.  You love the church as I love it.

            The man I go to the temple with (you, I hope) will have many things expected of him and it is my prayer that he will expect just as much of me.

            My husband must hold the Priesthood, advance in it, and honor it.  He must love me and tell me he loves me.  He must be willing to take me out at least once a month.

            We will attend all of the church meetings TOGETHER and share a love so great that it will radiate around us.  As I go to church, I see couples very much in love.  No matter how old they get they still show their love for one another in the small things which they do for each other.  This is the way we must be.  When we have children they will know of the love we have for the church, for each other, and for them.  We will make it a habit to tell them of this love.  We will do many things as a family but not so much that our children have no lives of their own.  We will mutually love our Heavenly Father and teach our children to love Him.  You will be able to bless and baptize our children and preside over family prayer and family home evening.  You will be the boss, but our marriage will always be a partnership.

            I’d like to say that you are this man.  I expect this much out of you and I’m sure I’ve found my “Someone Special.”  I hope that you expect this much out of me, too, I pray that you’ve found yours “Someone Special” in me.  May our life together always be a happy and loving one.

                                                                                    Love always,

                                                                                   Janice

September 4, 1966

I saw Roger for the first time when I bore my testimony.  I mean, he was blonde, handsome, and NEW!  Little did I know he was the "Someone Special" I wrote to only six days before.

September 6, 1966

I met him at our "opening social" at church.  It was a dinner and program.  He asked to take me home.  My first date....  stopped at a Root Beer stand on the way home.  When we stood on the front porch saying good-bye he called me Helen and asked if we could have a date that weekend.  I said yes and didn't tell him my real name.  I rushed in the house because my friend Lynne was already on the phone wanting to know what had happened.  

I laughed about him not knowing my name and then added "Lynne, do you remember what his name is?" 

Over the next six months we dated.  My father had rules:

1.  One date a weekend.  Home by 11 p.m.

2.  We could sit on the porch swing for a little while after we got home but when the porch light went off and then on again, the date was over.

3.  In cold weather, we could sit on the couch after everyone else went to their bedrooms.  However, when my dad got up to check the temperature on thermometer the date was over.

4.  Spending time together on Sundays at our house - not on a date, of course.  I think it had to end around 9 p.m. although I don't exactly remember.

At some point I shared my "Someone Special" letter with Roger.  He had not attended church for six months prior to that first Sunday in September when I saw him.  Without hesitation, he attended church, respected and honored his priesthood and me.

I think we began to fall in love.  He was 19 and I was 16... so young.  On one date we went to see the movie "Dr. Zhivago" at the Jefferson Theater in Fort Wayne.  What a movie!  He went home, learned the Lara's theme "Somewhere My Love" and called me so he could play it for me over the telephone.  It became "our song" even though I didn't approve of Lara and the Dr. and their relationship!   Our daughter Tanya was named after Dr. Zhivago's wife in the movie - I approved of her.

Roger joined the Marine Corps in February 1967.  

  

August 28, 1968

After riding the train from Fort Wayne, Indiana, to Grand Junction, Colorado I went with my Grandma Sally and her husband Uncle Jess to Salt Lake City.  Roger and I got our marriage license and celebrated my birthday.

Thursday, August 29, 1968

I married my "Someone Special" in the Salt Lake Temple at 9 a.m.  My young women's president and her husband, my seminary teacher and his wife, Roger's home teaching companion (while he was in high school) and his wife were there with us.  My Grandmother and step grandfather (who I didn't know very well) and Roger's mother (who I had only met three times) were at our wedding. 

We had no idea what a leap of faith was ahead of us when we left for Logan, Utah for our three day honeymoon and then on to Jacksonville, North Carolina to begin our married life together.  But we knew we were doing what was right for us and that our Heavenly Father was pleased and that was all that mattered.

Sunday, August 24, 2014 
In the process of preparing for my mission I am sorting and organizing, scanning pictures and documents, and remembering, remembering, remembering.  I have cried more tears this past week than I imagined possible. 

My leap of faith has brought me to a time in my life that I could not have envisioned 48 years ago when I first met Roger.  He died almost 19 years ago but when I recall the words to our song,  "Somewhere my love..." I clearly remember the first day I saw him, my "Someone Special" and I know that these experiences I am having mean as much to him as they do to me.

I am going to Germany.  Wow!  To serve a 23 month mission for my church.  I'm happy, right?  

In preparation I have started sorting through memories and spent some hours reading my journal entries. One in particular made me feel happy.

June 19, 1979

I'm at girls cam now and as usual it is a special experience.  We sang our theme song last night "Happiness Is..." and had each unit write their own part of the song.  The stake leaders wrote "happiness is wakint at dawn to the stake leaders' beautiful song".  This morning to prove it we wore bills and sang birdy songs.

1979 in Michigan: "going to girls' camp, meeting your leaders, seeing them smile"

My thoughts then went back to "Happy" which we listened to many times at girls' camp this year - and I felt happy especially when I watched a couple of videos with young women dancing to this song.

2014 in Kentucky:  "Clap along if you know what happiness is to you!"

The idea that "happiness is an inside job" is one that makes me happy!  So let me say again:  I'm going to Germany.  Wow!  To serve a 23 month mission for my church.  I'm happy, right!  But as I am exploring memories in preparation to leave, I am reminded that over a period of 42 years many things have happened:

July 2 - Jason's birthday - happy; July 29 - son was stillborn - sad; August 9 - Tanya's birthday - happy; August 28 - my birthday - sort of happy; August 29 - wedding anniversary (would be 46 years!) happy/sad; September 3 - Shauna was born and died - sad; Fast Sunday in September - met Roger, Tanya was blessed, Jason was blessed - happy; September 16 - Tanya died; November 3 - Roger's birthday - happy/sad; November 5 - Roger's death - sad . . . 

I could go on and on but as I am in the midst of this "season" of bittersweet memories I sometimes have to remind myself that I am Happy!  This doesn't mean that I don't cry or get frustrated, anxious, sad, discouraged, etc. etc. etc.  Over the years I have tried to avoid these difficult feelings; however, they are real and need to be acknowledged.  When hard things happen and I wonder why and what next and can I handle it, I take a minute, look inside, and realize that I am happy. 

As I complained about not knowing more about my mission and my seeming inability to find out NOW I realized that I had promised to go where I am called to go and do what I am called to do.  I felt happy - I don't have to know everything right now.  

When I head for the MTC and then Germany, I will have a smile and my smiles are rarely fake.  They are a true indication of how I feel about life:  I Am Happy.

Note:  if you'd like to feel happy for a few minutes here are a couple of videos that might help.

Top 10 reasons why Sheryl will always be my friend

July 2004.  

I began my job as a Hospice Social Worker on the yellow team.  The yellow team bereavement counselor was Sheryl.  So begins an unlikely friendship...

July 2014.

Sheryl and I no longer work for Hospice.  But the unlikely friendship continues...  

Top 10 reasons why Sheryl will always be my friend:

10 - She taught me that sometimes you just need to breathe.

9 - She continues to plan group social events and always invites me but accepts the fact that I will likely never show up.

8 - She doesn't laugh at my short choppy hair cut or my one pair of shoes even though she has great hair and a closet just for shoes.

7 - When we worked in the Bereavement Center at Hospice the Center was renamed "Sheryl's house of grief and fashion".  She laughed!!!

6 - She takes lots of pictures of her feet.

5 - She thought about me while in Vegas and took a picture of "TCB" door openers in honor of TC (my deceased husband a former Elvis impersonator).

4 - She allows her cat to reign over her home.

3 - She knows what it means to have loved and lost - people as well as dreams.

2 - She has a month (July) that is all about her and is not ashamed to remind me!  (it's her birthday today: July 23)

1 - She brought and continues to bring hope to me when life seems almost too much to handle.  (such as helping me survive following the deaths of my daughter, mother, husband in the space of 18 months)  

Sheryl has played and continues to play an important role in my life in spite of our obvious differences:  She is over 20 years younger than me; she lives in a new home and it is spotless; she has a car that is smarter than she is; she carefully watches her diet (eating gluten free as well as drinking those crazy green smoothies); she follows a schedule; she has a routine; etc. etc. etc.  Oh, and did I say she is focused???  She is always supportive and positive when it comes to my hopes and dreams even if she really doesn't understand them.  She doesn't care that we don't worship at the same place and in the same way - we both believe in God and the importance of faith.  
I think that our friendship is reciprocal - and isn't that what we all want in our lives?  She calls me in distress:  I call her in distress.  We text, we message, we e-mail, we talk.... and possibly best of all we laugh.  It doesn't matter what the topic, no matter how sad or upset or angry we feel, we always find something to laugh about!  When we were both doing grief counseling those outside our offices would hear us laughing with our clients and wonder if we were really counseling or just goofing off.  Laughter... love... liking each other... living through the rough and good times together... 

Do dreams have an expiration date?

Last year I started working out at the gym. Although I said that it was because I feel better when I go to the gym on a regular basis, let's be real, a part of me was dreaming about the slender but curvy "me" that would eventually win out.  I forgot to tell my taste buds about this dream. My love of sweets did not change.  I didn't justify my sweet eating by saying I was working out because I am realistic about calories, fat and carbs. Secretly, I was dreaming that soon those clothes that were too tight would become loose or that I would look more toned because of the work outs which include some decent strength training. No as I am anticipating leaving for a 23 month mission (no, I don't know where I am going yet) I am wondering if I should just let my gym membership expire since my dream already has done so?

When I saw the picture below, with the quote, I started thinking about dreams, do they expire, or do they just change?  Should I take a deep breath and try again?  Or should I seriously consider:  Is this really a dream that matters to me right now?  Maybe I should take a deep breath . . .

. . . and begin again but this time dreaming a dream that really matters to me right now.  A scripture sent to me by my wise stake president is the basis for trying again.

Isaiah 40:31 

But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

I will continue going to the gym so:

I will be able to walk (maybe not run) and not be weary or faint - 

my stress will be reduced and I will think more clearly and be more focused - (squirrel!)

I will be a better person showing increased love for others, finding  joy in service, peace

And I will be happy because I will remember that I AM LOVEABLE AND CAPABLE 

SHINING LIKE NEVER BEFORE!

My dream to go to the gym has not expired.  I will take a deep breath and continue to workout as I remember my reasons for doing so.  Then, when I receive my mission call, I may discover the gym is not an option.  My dream will then change as I consider alternatives such as walking and an exercise routine instead going to a gym.

For me, it is important that I remember WHY I have a dream and I believe the scripture 

Isaiah 40:31says it all!   As you can see in the pictures below, being slender, curvy, or even a unicorn is not what makes my dream important ... at Girls' Camp I walked, mostly without weariness, was somewhat focused, and  felt loveable and capable - and I was very happy!

Follow the Path to Happiness

Camp IALAC 2014 is over.  It's only been two weeks but at times I feel like it never really happened.  As I was thinking about some of my favorite parts of camp (see the video below) I remembered the Silent Hike experience.  It was based on an article and I have added the link below if you would like to read the entire article. 

After an introduction almost 100 people walked silently through the woods to the campfire.  Along the path were four signposts:  Recognize Your Personal Worth; Become Who You Are; Trust In God's Promises; Come Unto Christ.  

We didn't talk much about this signpost.  At first glance it might be a little confusing.  We didn't talk much about the second signpost become who you are.  Here's what the author of the article had to say about this particular signpost:

"Becoming who you really are sounds like a paradox. How can I become who I already am? I will illustrate this principle through a story.  The film The Age of Reason tells the story of Marguerite, a prosperous banker who leads a hectic life filled with travels and conferences. Even though she has an adoring suitor, she says she doesn’t have time for marriage or children.  The day she turns 40 she receives a mysterious letter that says, “Dear me, today I am seven years old and I’m writing you this letter to help you remember the promises I made when I was seven, and also to remind you of what I want to become.” The author of the letter is none other than Marguerite when she was seven years old. What follows are several letters in which the little girl describes in detail her life’s goals.  Marguerite realizes that the person she has become is nothing like the person she wanted to become when she was a young girl. As she decides to reclaim the person she envisioned as a child, her life is turned upside down. She reconciles with her family and determines to consecrate the rest of her life to serving people in need.

If it were possible for you to receive a letter from your premortal life, what would it say? What impact would such a letter from a forgotten but very real world have on you if you were to receive it today?  This letter might say something like: “Dear me, I am writing to you so you will remember who I want to become. I hope you will remember that my greatest desire is to be a disciple of our Savior, Jesus Christ. I support His plan, and when I am on earth, I want to help Him in His work of salvation. Please also remember that I want to be part of a family that will be together for all eternity.”  One of the great adventures of life is finding out who we really are and where we came from and then consistently living in harmony with our true identity as children of God and with the purpose of our existence."

Tomorrow is Sunday which means church - taking the sacrament, listening to speakers, participating in lessons, singing hymns.  I love going to church and always have.   When I get home, feeling uplifted and positive, I think I'll take some time and write such a letter to myself... I wonder how I will measure up to the person I hoped that I would be before I came to this earth.  

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2014/06/young-adults/follow-the-path-of-happiness?lang=eng

CAMP IALAC 2014: SISTERHOOD IS ETERNAL

Never underestimate the healing power of _____________________________ - you decide!

My sister Pat posted this on Facebook . . . I love it.  I am anticipating a great girls' camp next week and one of the reasons is that we are going to learn a dance to the song "Happy" which I know many are tired of but I love, love, love it.  We will learn it on Monday and dance like idiots all week - even i f it means singing the song ourselves.

Never underestimate the healing power of __________________________________.  You decide!

What road do I take?

What road do I take?  Sometimes I feel like Alice (picture posted by a friend on Facebook) when she responded to the question: "Well where are you going?"...  "I don't know." 

With many changes and new experiences ahead I find that uncertainty fills my mind and my thoughts start racing and I feel like I think Alice must have felt when she responded ...I don't know and I keep repeating - I don't know - I don't know - I don't know...

Whew!  exhausting... until I allow myself to become calm and think about this remarkable summer:

Lots of time with my family - Jason, Kelsee, Haley

Amber, Rusty, Madelyn, Cameron, Alexander, Brandon, Austin

Stake Girls' Camp Director after a 30 year hiatus

Completing the process and waiting for my mission call

Looking forward to the Hensley Family Reunion and seeing family members again

AND SO MUCH MORE THAT I CAN'T EVEN LIST IT ALL... 

I'm no longer saying:  "I don't know..."   I'm going to just enjoy this journey - -

 

Why can't we just be kind?

Okay, this is sort of a negative blog post.  But it's been on my mind since I had this experience yesterday.  I was at a Dollar Tree a couple of miles from my home.  It is not in the best neighborhood but it was the middle of the day and very busy inside and outside.

As I was loading up my car with the 30 bargains (yes, 30) I had just scored I heard someone yelling.  I looked up. About half way across the parking lot I saw a man of about my age being thrown to the ground by a couple of guys.  They began to kick him and I heard him yelling "I didn't mean it."  A couple of people from the gas station next to the parking lot came running toward them.  The violence stopped as it was clear the police had been called.  After a minute the man on the ground got up and with blood dripping down his face limped away.  As he was being asked if he needed help he just shook his head and kept walking.  I felt pretty crummy... as I drove away I saw the man sitting near the other side of the Dollar Tree.  I didn't stop to see if he needed help although I slowed down and he sort of waved me away.

The old white haired guy, skinny, no shirt, appeared to be under the influence of something, yelled the "n" word at two African American guys who were getting into their SUV after shopping at the Dollar tree.  They immediately turned upon hearing the word and began their attack.  I think I get why they were so angry when they heard that word yelled!  I have never been in that situation but I can imagine it might make a person very, very angry.  What I don't get was the violent response....

Did they see a  pitiful old white man like I did?  What was accomplished by throwing him down and continuing to kick him?  Will he use the word again?  Probably.  Did he intend to upset them?  Probably.  But as I watched him sitting outside the store eating something he had apparently gotten at the gas station he didn't seem to be hurt too badly.  He didn't look afraid.  He didn't look penitent or as if he was really sorry even though he had cried "I didn't mean it."

And I ask myself the question to which I can find no answer "Why can't we just be kind?"

My Leap Of Faith: "Mom, where's my house?"

My Leap Of Faith: "Mom, where's my house?": This blog started on Easter Sunday visiting the church in Corbin - where Jason had his missionary farewell and Tanya sang this song.   ...

"Mom, where's my house?"

This blog started on Easter Sunday visiting the church in Corbin - where Jason had his missionary farewell and Tanya sang this song.   I can't list all of the pivotal and life-changing experiences that took place in this church.  I was visiting there for the blessing of my great-granddaughter, Madelyn Rae.  She is the first great-grandchild just like her mother, Amber Rae, was the first grandchild, and Amber's mother, Tanya Rae, was my first child.  I was sitting in my seat pondering on the cycle of life and watching the rest of my family come into the church. Amber's husband, Rusty, her brothers: Cameron, Alex, Brandon, Austin (Tanya's sons) all tall and grown up.  Amber  is short like her mother who had died in 2008.  I worked to hold the tears back.  This was a joyous occasion but I could not stop thinking about the bitter-sweet memories.

Jason, my  son walked in with his wife, Kelsee, and their daughter Haley.  As usual I felt peace and comfort as I saw them.   They are like anti-anxiety meds to me - really.  Anyhow, he sat down, turned around, and said: "Mom, where's my house?"  For a minute I was speechless which is very unusual for me.  And Jason continued:  "That's where I grew up!  I lived there longer than anywhere else - and it is gone."

Then I remembered that I hadn't told him that the big white 100+ year old house on 3rd Street in Corbin apparently burned down a year or so ago.  It hadn't seemed that important to me.  From my perspective lots of really hard things happened during those years we lived in that house.  I remember the exhaustion I felt as I worked around 60 hours a week, trying to be a good mother to the kids who were teenagers, and caring for my husband, their father, Roger as he struggled to live with Huntington's Disease.  So, I'll be honest, I wasn't too upset to see that the house on 3rd Street was gone.

That Sunday was busy but when I returned home I began to think about Jason's words.  I pictured Jason growing from boy to man in that house on 3rd Street in Corbin, Kentucky.  It was our home during those years - how could I have forgotten?  He participated in sports, scouting (Eagle Scout - proud mom, still), church activities.  He attended school and graduated.  The house was a place for my sisters and their families and my parents to gather for holidays.  He helped care for his father, he hung all of the blinds and all of the wallpaper in that house.   He sneaked out of that house with friends who will always be a part of his life.  He watched his sister, Tanya, marry and have the first grandchild (his first niece!) in Corbin.  He left for college in Idaho when he was 18 but he came back to the house to prepare for a two-year church mission.  He served an honorable mission and again returned to this house on 3rd Street.  When he returned from his mission Tanya, Amber and Cameron were living with me and we had a very full house.  He left in December 1994 when he moved in with his bride, Kelsee, in Morehead, Kentucky never to live in that house again.  But I imagine it was a comfort to see it when he visited Corbin - a symbol of those happy, growing up years.

Tanya and Jason
Clearly late in the 1980's
in Corbin, Kentucky

That old, white house on 3rd Street no longer exists.  Driving down the street it is hard to imagine that there was ever a house there.  But after many hours of remembering, I understand why Jason was so shocked.  If he said it to me again: "Mom, where's my house"   I would say to him "I know.  It's so sad.  It really wasn't  just a house was it - it was our home.  The memories are wonderful but nothing can ever replace it." 

Jason's Eagle Court of Honor
in Corbin, Kentucky  1991